Secrets From Working Professionals About Their Industry! SHOCKING!
I'm a male massage therapist.
If you get an erection on my table and ask me to fix it, I'll deliver a quick chop or three to your upper inner thigh. It will reflexively disappear and your testicles will try to hide inside your pelvis.
#16 Sad. Just Sad.
I worked at a children's hospital. When a child dies, the bodies are transported to the morgue in stretchers disguised as what appears to be tall, covered mobile linen racks. this is done in order to not distress parents of other patients. If the hands of the person who is moving the rack are uncovered, it's actual bed linens. however, if they are wearing latex gloves... well, y'know.
#15 Be Grateful
Nurse here: In nursing homes we do every disgusting thing (Vaginal creams? yep. Suppositories? yep. Putting your penis in a urinal and then holding it there so you can pee? yep), to the human body on a regular basis, and we rarely get thanked for it, so please be nice.
Also a little added extra from my years as a hotel front desk agent: We can see the titles of ALL the dirty movies you watch and how long you did. So if you come down to the front desk and play it like it was a mistake, I will know that you watched it for 47 minutes, and it will be very awkward.
Visual effect artist, Actors are as modified in movies as they are in magazines. Skin correction, awkward smile correction, one eye is more closed than another one in a frame, we correct that, smaller waist, longer legs, bigger arms, six pack... there is a lot of fake involved
An engineer designs buildings and structures with precise calculations and computer simulations of behavior during various combinations of wind, seismic, flood, temperature, and vibration loads using mathematical equations and empirical relationships.
The engineer uses the sum of structural engineering knowledge for the past millennium, at least nine years of study and rigorous examinations to predict the worst outcomes and deduce the best design. We use multiple layers of fail-safes in our calculations from approximations by hand-calculations to refinement with finite element analysis, from elastic theory to plastic theory, with safety factors and multiple redundancies to prevent progressive collapse.
We accurately model an entire city at reduced scale for wind tunnel testing and use ultrasonic testing for welds at connections...but the construction worker straight out of high school puts it all together as cheaply and quickly as humanly possible, often disregarding signed and sealed design drawings for their own improvised "field fixes".
You play $20/hand, maybe $1000 between gambling and food and everything and get in a fight in the hotel, you're probably going to jail. At the very least you're being removed from the hotel.
On the other hand, if you spend hours at our high-stakes table, all other circumstances being equal, we will come to the room, tell you you're disturbing your neighbors, and please don't do that again.
Same with basically anything that happens in a casino. We hate the people with money, because they can get away with being the biggest dicks on the planet. But since their one weekend keeps the lights on in our casino for 6 months ,we have to let them do as they wish, basically.
#11 You need to understand this already!
We were never actually trained on how to make your printer work.
Meteorologist (in school): The 5-day or 7-day or longer forecasts are completely useless and only made because people would get upset if we didn't. You could probably do just about as good yourself on anything more than 48 hours away just by reasonable guessing based on the time of year.
#9 Don't we all?
I'm a Professor at a large university.
Most days I don't feel like an expert at all.
#8 What the?!
Most of the corrections to rocket blueprints are done in MS Paint.
Sushi chef: Ahi Tuna is actually just Yellow fin tuna, it's the lowest quality sushi grade tuna you can get. People come in all the time and ask if we have Ahi, then scoff when I say that we carry Big Eye and Blue fin which is the highest grade you can get.
Disability insurance. We hire private investigators to videotape people and hunt around for them online all the time if they're suspected of fraud. I can't count the number of videos I've seen of people dancing at nightclubs and posting on Meetup begging for a x-country ski partner while they're claiming they're in too much pain to do their desk jobs and collecting big disability checks.
I have no pity, either. People like that make it much harder for people with actual problems to get the benefits they require to get better, which is heartbreaking.
If you're ever in a casino, and see a chair tipped over against a wall, or covered in a garbage bag, don't sit in it. Odds are some has either pooped, peed, or thrown up on themselves. Why didn't they get up? The next slot spin is going to be a winner!
#4 The Game
IT Consulting firms hire people who have absolutely no idea what they're doing and throw them from task to task as if they're all interchangeable.
The dude managing your $5 million data migration probably doesn't know how a database works, and the programmers he's managing may have never seen your DBMS before. You pay $150 an hour for the manager and $50 an hour for the programmers. They make a fraction of that and deserve less.
You could hire freelancers who would do the work quicker, cheaper and better, but you don't because then you wouldn't get to have a smiling sales executive take you out to dinner twice a week with your own money.
Many of the people who work in the industry are convicted felons who don't care about food safety processes.
One USDA agent cannot monitor the actions of 250 people. We deal with listeria on a daily basis and sometimes it gets so out of hand that we have to shut down lines. The meat done that day is still sent out.
I have been a 3D artist (most the time I do lighting/rendering) at various studios and have done many tv commercials that you have likely seen.
My number one secret is that I took a closeup picture of my left nipple 5 years ago and have used it as a texture for every commercial I've worked on.
Creative Writing Instructor: This stuff cannot be taught.
What cannot be taught is the drive to compel a reader, and the spark of creativity to make the language interesting. The unending desire to write a story (or poem; I personally write fiction) that somebody loves, that makes somebody laugh out loud, that makes somebody cry-- basically, wanting to write a piece that blows somebody's mind. And, most importantly, to want to do it consistently. This is more than just changing the word 'desk' to 'bureau' so you can have a slant rhyme with 'thorough'. This is knowing that picking the word 'bureau' instead of 'desk' is more important than just the rhyme because it will conjure up some additional meaning for your audience. It's understanding that the additional meaning is why you're writing.
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