Embarrassing Stories Of People When They Thought Something Existed But Actually Didn't
My Aunt Carol.
For years as I child my parents took phone calls from my Aunt Carol, received packages from her, and would go to the office to write her letters. I heard about her so much I formed an imaginary picture of this woman in my mind - the way she looked, talked, walked, etc.
Turns out "Aunt Carol" was parent-code for weed. I have no Aunt Carol.
#12 France and Bacon
When I was young my father said to me:
"Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon."
I understood it as "Knowledge is power, France is Bacon".
For more than a decade I wondered over the meaning of the second part and what was the surreal linkage between the two? If I said the quote to someone, "Knowledge is power, France is Bacon" they nodded knowingly.
Or someone might say, "Knowledge is power" and I'd finish the quote, "France is Bacon" and they wouldn't look at me like I'd said something very odd but thoughtfully agree.
I did ask a teacher what "Knowledge is power, France is bacon" meant and got a full 10-minute explanation of the "knowledge is power" bit but nothing on "France is bacon." When I prompted further explanation by saying "France is Bacon?" in a questioning tone I just got a "yes". At twelve I didn't have the confidence to press it further. I just accepted it as something I'd never understand.
It wasn't until years later I saw it written down that the penny dropped.
#11 The Inside Shock
I thought that those anti-gravity chambers that astronauts use in certain movies were real. It wasn't until one day in a science class we were talking about Gravity and the teacher said something along the lines of "there are actually people that think you can just turn off gravity using a machine like in the movies." Everyone else was just like, "Wow there are some dumb people out there." On the outside I was saying, "Pssh I know right, who would ever think that?" But on the inside I had no idea that it wasn't a real thing.
#10 Little Kipper
Ever heard of a fuggout? No? Let me tell you guys about my dad's fuggout.
I grew up in a town called Dubbo, in outback Australia. Have you tried the cinnamon challenge? That's what breathing air is like on a hot summer's day in Dubbo. Like sucking down dust.
Growing up, there was nothing to do. My family lived in a pretty poor neighborhood and us kids spent most of the time poking sticks at snakes and pissing in the dam.
Anyway, I came home one scorcher of a Sunday afternoon, probably after trapping some kind of small marsupial, and heard my parents yelling upstairs. Belting their bloody guts out.
Some kind of dangerous snake, I assumed, or perhaps a drop bear has climbed through the window. Bloody low-hanging branches.
So being the little kipper I am, I run upstairs, burst through the door and whip out my boomerang.
My mum seemed to be in heaps of pain, practically doubled over, panting, and red-faced. That's when Dad needed to use the Fuggout. He yelled at me to go and get it, but I was pretty young, and I'd never even heard of a fuggout.
"Righto, then,"I quipped, and racked off to the garage to find it. I searched for ages, but couldn't find anything labeled fuggout. I asked my brother Trev if he knew where it was, but he didn't know what I was talking about. I had to tell Dad we were out of Fuggout. I didgeri-diddle my way back upstairs. He opens the door naked, redder than ever.
I told you boy, get the FUGGOUT!
#9 The Permanent Record
The often mentioned "permanent record" that teachers would threaten me with. "You don’t want this on your permanent record, so just tell us who was in on this with you."
#8 You ain't the only one Brother...
Only yesterday I found out the Trojan War and Troy itself likely wasn't real. I seriously thought it was historical and not mythological.
#7 Cats and Dogs
I thought that dogs were male and cats were female of the same animal.
So... That animal.
I thought dinosaurs were still alive. I live by a mountain range, so I always thought that dinosaurs lived on the other side of the mountains.
I saw Return of the Jedi when it opened in 1983. I could have sworn there was a scene where, after defeating Jaba the Hutt, Luke goes back to the remains of his his Aunt and Uncle's farm to reflect. It only lasted a minute or so and I know this scene never existed but I have a vivid memory of it.
#4 Less Exciting...
I used to think that everyone who had a bank account literally had like a pigeon hole with their money in it they deposited. And when someone wanted to take money out the teller would take it from the pile of cash they had lodged over the years.
It was a sad day finding out this wasn't the way it is.
#3 Harsh Reality
A brisk transition from childhood to adulthood. All I got was a slow realization that things usually suck more than I thought.
#2 The Force Is Strong With This One
Until I was in my twenties it never occurred to me consciously that Star Wars was fictional. It's not that I actively believed it was all real, it just had never occurred to me that it wasn't. Makes sense?
Dutchland. Very embarrassing moment in year 8 geography. Netherlands, please.
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