14 Times When People Mocked Themselves By Saying Something Weird To Others.
When I was a child, my friend’s mom passed away. He loved Batman so I said, you're only one parent away from being like Batman.
My sister had just been dumped by her fiance. She was devastated. We were at Denny's, where they use to eat a lot, and we were thinking about what to order. She said "You know what Bryan used to love?" meaning something he always ate there. Without skipping a beat I said, "You?"
#12 I Hope She Lives Long!
My friend is holding his infant daughter.
In my head: "She's so lucky to be born in our modern world, medicine is advancing so fast she may well see the cure to old age, practical immortality."
Out of my mouth: "I wonder how long she'll live?"
Nobody's ever given me a dirtier look.
#11 You Gotta Know The Difference..
"I've got the herps."
I said this to entire group of high school students from my church. What I MEANT was, "I have a combination of the hiccups and burps." Which I had previously, to my own amusement called "hurps."
There's more creepy stories ahead.
#10 Yeah Seriously! What's Wrong?
Server here. Woman asked me what I recommended. I said, "Middle-aged women usually like the salads."
I don’t even know what the heck is wrong with me.
#9 One At A Time Please!
I was at a dentist appointment and the doctor and hygienist were both trying to look at my teeth and I said, "I can only handle one person in my mouth at a time."
#8 You Gotta Pay For This.
My dad, mom and I were at a funeral for an older lady we'd known for years (I was probably about thirteen). Her son, who my parents had never met, was in the receiving line.
When we got to him, my mom is talking about his mother and how much everyone loved her, etc. When we're getting ready to walk away, my mother smiles at this guy, a little misty eyed, and says, "We just loved her to death."
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective) for her, this guy was a genius because, without skipping a beat, he deadpans it and says, "So, you're the reason for all this."
I swear my dad and I laughed the entire way home.
#7 Woman! Woman!
You look pretty today."
Apparently what I really said was, "You look ugly every day except for today"
I don't understand women.
The Insanity doesn't ends here. Continue reading.
#6 Mind Your Words From Next Time Onwards!
It was raining. A classmate had forgotten her umbrella and was talking about how soaked she was.
My genius quip: "Oh don't act like this is the first time you've ever been wet around me."
It may have only been a few seconds, but the silence and staring at me that followed is burned in my mind forever.
#5 NEVER Call A Woman Fat!
This wasn't me, but my brother in law, who is Indian, told one of my sisters that she looked very fat in her bridesmaid dress. To him it was a compliment, he was trying to say that the dress fit her well. To her it was the most insulting thing anyone could ever say.
#4 Do Not Even Say A Word Against Her Beauty!
Told my wife, "I didn't marry you for your looks" when attempting to compliment her intelligence.
#3 Marriage Is Not For Fun!
My girlfriend and I had a chance to move out of the country for my work and the company would pay extra if we were married. I suggested that we quick hit the courthouse and do a legal wedding. Followed it up with, "It's not like we would really be married." Big mistake…
The next two are too hilarious to be missed.
I was in art class and my teacher only had half of her right arm (until her elbow).
She was carrying some equipment and without thinking I said, "Do you need a hand?"
The whole class gave me a horrible look and I realized what I had just said. The funniest part was her response.
She looked at her hand and said, "Well, I need half."
#1 Trouble Calling!!
I packed my carry on bag really full for a flight to California and when my bag was pulled for additional search I said to the TSA officer,"Careful when you open that, it might explode."
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