13 Times Lawyers Were Met With The Ultimate Test Of Their Career, Not In Court, But Had More To Do With Sanity!
Your boss sending you to a drug test after he walked in on you snorting cocaine off your desk does not qualify as entrapment. You can't sue him.
#12 Not Healthy
I recently had a call from a guy who found out that Long John Silver's was microwaving his baked shrimp combo. He wanted to eat there for every meal for a year and then sue them for false advertising.
He changed his mind when I suggested that he would probably die of a heart attack before reaching his one year goal.
#11 This must have been hard...
I once had to explain to a client that he could, in fact, fire an employee for (1) stealing significant sums of MONEY from the safe, (2) pulling a gun on a co-worker who questioned these activities, and (3) waving said gun in a customer's face moments later, all of which were on camera.
#10 So twisted
This guy killed several people with a baseball bat and wanted his sentence mitigated because he had PTSD. He claimed he had PTSD from experiencing the murder he committed. The court had to explain to him that a mental issue acquired while committing a crime cannot mitigate the crime you committed.
#9 Has she heard of with-holding the truth? I don't mean to do harm to the justice being served but at least to stop being so..so stupid!
The plaintiff's lawyer had to explain to her that it wasn't a slip and fall if she brought the baby oil with her in a squeeze bottle and applied it to the floor herself. The woman then began to act like she didn't speak or understand English after. It was bizarre.
#8 The process has got it all wrong, huh?
In my state we have this thing called Victim's Compensation.
An oversimplification of how it works goes as follows: If you are the victim of a crime, and suffer some form of INJURY (e.g. psychological, physical, etc.) you can apply for a payment from state funds. If you are the perpetrator of one of those crimes (e.g. an assault, robbery, pedophilia, etc.) an order can be made for you to pay the state back an amount relating to that victim's compensation.
I had a client who felt the process of being convicted for assaulting his relatives, and having to pay victim's compensation back to the state was arduous... and therefore, he should be receiving victim's compensation from the state.
... So that was fun to explain.
#7 The Shock!
A client came in and said "Someone has been robbing my checks for 15 years." Huh? He then showed me his paperwork.
When I say paperwork, I mean crinkled, folded, balled up, garbage that I needed to decipher. When I got to his "checks" (pay stubs) I said, "You have checks - you get paid. No one is robbing you."
He bluntly said "Someone named Stu is taking MONEY out of my checks. I want to sue him."
I look deeper and see nothing about he is talking about. Then, on one pay stub I see "Deduction - SCU." It dawned on me immediately.
I said "that's not Stu -it's an abbreviation for Support Collection Unit. They take money for child support."
He looked at me blankly and said, "Child support? I ain't got a child."
As I started to ask my next question, he said "I had a child. But that was a long time ago. Like 10 years."
I said, "You have a ten year old child?"
"In NY, you have to pay for them until their out of college. 22 years."
He was flabbergasted. More because he couldn't sue "Stu" than anything else.
#6 The things people do...
I'm an estate attorney. A couple things:
There is no reading of the will! At no point will you and all your relatives be called to my office to sit and watch a video or have me tell you how it's going to go. (Unless you want to pay me $500 in which case I'll gladly use my reading skills to read aloud the will that you've brought to my office.)
Contrary to what you might think I do not, in fact, have a copy of Grandma's will. I did not write it and you don't know if she had one. You have to dig through Grandma's hoarder house, or again at $350/hour I'll do it for you.
Tupperware is not worth fighting over. I'll take your money and laugh all the way to the bank.
Your brother didn't "steal" your mother's things. He moved her in with him when your dad died because you live 3 states away.
The stuff that was in his house is not now "half yours" because your mom lived there. It was his and it's still his. You are not entitled to his flatscreen because "mom used it and you have a sentimental attachment."
#5 A tough one
I represented a client charged with having sex with a 17-year-old. He had a large number of...'explanations' for the various evidence in his case that I had to explain would not be a good idea to testify to or argue to the jury.
The KY Jelly you purchased with the teenager at WalMart was not for applying to an undiagnosed skin condition on your chest.
The hundreds of pages of internet chat logs prior to traveling hundreds of miles to meet the teenage, consisting of repeated explicit sexual overtures, emotional manipulation, lies about your age and wealth, and specific plans for how you would remove him from his parents home were not "meaningless banter."
The fact that you had an active prescription for Viagra does not mean you are "asexual."
The semen matching your DNA did not find its way onto the body of this teenager because of your medical condition that results in "leakage" and the fact that when you are staying in a hotel room, you do not lift the toilet seat when you urinate, which must have resulted in in the material being deposited on the seat and transferred to the teenager when he sat on the seat.
You were not the victim, taken advantage of by the hypersexual teenager for whom you were you merely trying to provide innocent "emotional support"
I had to explain all of these things (and others) many times. I'm not sure he ever actually believed any of them.
#4 You gotta listen to your priest at least!
I had a client who thought he won a $20 million European super lottery from that he had never actually entered.
I tried to explain that it was a good thing that his family, bank and church wouldn't lend him the $2000 the e-mail said they needed to verify his identity (on top of the several hundred he'd already sent them) and that yes, his priest was right it was a scam. -adingostolemytoast
#3 The Extremes
A lawyer can't out-and-out lie. You can't tell your lawyer "yeah I burned his house down and pissed on the ashes" and then expect them to say you were two states away...
#2 Tough Love
"I never agreed to be a United States citizen, so I don't have to obey the law." Yeah, about that...
Don't signal to the judge you need to use the restroom during your trial by making eye contact and vigorously nodding while urgently pointing at your crotch. you should tell your lawyer and let her take care of it. You should definitely not make a "break" for the door...
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